A Clarksville man has reportedly traded his left kidney for a coveted pair of eclipse glasses ahead of the much-anticipated solar eclipse scheduled for tomorrow, April 8, 2024. The transaction, which has been described as "a bold step towards astronomical enthusiasm," took place under the shadow of a city scrambling to secure viewing apparatus for the celestial event.

The seller, who wishes to remain anonymous but is known on Facebook Marketplace as "AstroLensVendor99," listed the glasses for "a best offer" late Friday night. By Sunday morning, amidst a bidding war that saw offers ranging from $100 to an astonishing $400, the stakes were literally elevated to bodily organs.

"I thought it was a joke at first," said the seller, "But when he showed up with medical paperwork and a notarized letter of consent, I knew he meant business." The glasses, adorned with a sleek design and a promise of a once-in-a-lifetime eclipse viewing experience, have become the most talked-about pair in town.

The buyer, Clarksville local Bob Eclipser (not his real name), defended his decision with a fervent passion. "You only live once, and how many times do you get to see an eclipse right over your house? I've got two kidneys but only one chance to see this," he exclaimed, adjusting his newly acquired eyewear. "Besides, I've seen the going rates for kidneys; I think I got the better end of the deal."

This extreme exchange underscores the desperate measures Clarksville residents are resorting to in the wake of a shortage that has seen even the most unassuming citizens turn into opportunistic scalpers. Reports have flooded in of people selling counterfeit eclipse glasses, with many online orders canceled due to backlogs or outright scams, leaving last-minute buyers in a lurch and turning local Facebook Marketplace into a wild west of astronomical proportions.

Image Credit: mynbc5.com

The frenzy has not been limited to shady deals and exorbitant prices. Some locals have taken to crafting their DIY viewing devices out of household items, ranging from cereal boxes to welding masks, with varying degrees of success and safety. "If it can block out my ex's text messages, it can block the sun," claimed one optimistic, albeit misguided, resident.

The police have issued warnings against unsafe viewing practices and have urged the public to report scalpers, but they seem as bemused by the kidney trade as everyone else. "We're not sure if we should be arresting someone or giving them a medical examination," one officer admitted.

As the eclipse approaches, Clarksville remains a town divided between those with glasses and those without, those with two kidneys, and Bob. But as the excitement builds, one thing is clear: this eclipse has brought out the astronomical enthusiast in everyone, for better or for worse.

So, as the moon prepares to throw shade at the sun, Clarksville braces itself not just for a moment of cosmic beauty but for the culmination of a saga that has been anything but ordinary. And for one man, at least, the view will be priceless.

By Chris P
Sunday, April 7 2024