After years of squinting through sun-glare and impenetrable darkness to peer into the mysteriously tinted windows of passing vehicles, the Clarksville Police Department announced it's cracking down on illegal window tinting.

Police Chief Harold Sunbeam made the declaration yesterday from the sunny steps of the Clarksville Police Department, donning a pair of chic aviator sunglasses. "This is a rampant epidemic spreading across our fair city, hiding drivers behind their unlawful shroud of shade," said Chief Sunbeam. "People are getting too comfortable driving in their own private Batmobiles, and we can't let that continue."

The recent surge in the number of vehicles sporting super-dark window tint has led the department to reprioritize its crime-fighting strategies. Officers have set aside their donuts and coffee, picked up their Window-Tint-Measuring-Doodads (WTMD), and are now bravely heading to the asphalt battlefield.

As a part of the operation, dubbed "Operation Bright Future," officers will now be patrolling the streets, stopping and inspecting cars with windows appearing as dark as a new moon night. If a vehicle's window tint is found to be below the legal 35% limit, the driver will be issued a friendly, but stern citation, a lollipop, and a brochure about the benefits of vitamin D.

When asked why the department is focusing so much on this issue, Officer Ivana Seeinside quipped, "I just really miss making eye contact with the drivers during a traffic stop. A nod, a smile, it's the little things you know."

In addition to enforcing the current law, the department has proposed a new, highly controversial measure called the "Drive Transparent" policy, which encourages residents to replace all car windows with clear, plexiglass bubbles.

"The advantages are numerous," Chief Sunbeam insisted. "Increased visibility, a panoramic view of Clarksville's beautiful scenery, and it's really going to take the game of 'I Spy' to the next level for those long family road trips."

Critics argue that the bubble windows could potentially distract drivers with their own reflection or start a magnifying glass effect on particularly sunny days, but supporters argue that it's a small price to pay for the added sunshine in their lives.

As the war against the shadowy realm of tinted windows rages on, only time will tell if the sun will indeed shine brighter on the roads of Clarksville. For now, citizens are urged to take down their shades, lest they face the wrath of the Clarksville PD and their trusty WTMDs.

By Chris P
Friday, July 7 2023