In an unforeseen legal move, the Cumberland River filed a lawsuit today against R. J. Coremans Rail Bridge, accusing it of invasion of privacy and the wrongful use of personal measurements. This lawsuit marks the first of its kind, where a river has taken a bridge to court. Many are calling this a landmark moment in environmental rights law.

"You can't just go around measuring someone's height without their consent. That's river-archy!" the Cumberland River was heard gurgling in an exclusive interview at Liberty Park. Its lawyer, a seasoned environmental attorney, was seen nodding in agreement. "Indeed, it's a clear invasion of my client's privacy. We're talking about a gross violation of the water body's rights here" he explained.

A long time coming

For decades, the Rail Bridge has sported white paint markings that record the height of the Cumberland River, a feature often taken for granted by locals who measure flood levels. However, the river has risen up (both literally and figuratively) to challenge this.

Image Credit: Above-Us

Responding to the charges, the Rail Bridge, represented by a team of civil engineers in hard hats, seemed taken aback. One of them stated "We thought the river was cool with it. I mean, we've been doing this for years!" In an official statement, they claimed that the height markings were for safety purposes and were never meant to cause harm or distress to the river.

Community Impact

This lawsuit has caused ripples in the Clarksville community, with local fish siding with the River. "It's about time! We always thought those measurements were fishy." commented a bass with a placard that read, "My Depth, My Business."

Image Credit: ClarksburgNow

On the other hand, the local residents seem baffled by this uproar. "What's next? The squirrels suing us for counting their acorns?" a resident retorted. However, many agree it's a wake-up call to be more mindful of nature's boundaries.

Meanwhile, in a bizarre turn of events, the Cumberland River's estuary has also decided to sue the river for failing to warn it about the rise in water levels. "I always get the excess water dumped on me without any notice. It's high tide time that my rights are acknowledged!" the estuary was heard complaining.

In the coming weeks, the case promises to take us through uncharted waters, setting a precedent for future interactions between humans and Mother Nature. Whether this is a new age of ecological justice or just a fluid situation that will eventually evaporate, only time will tell.

By Chris P
Monday, August 14 2023